i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize