I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
