My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
My liver just had a heart attack.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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