so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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