the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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