I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
