I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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