gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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