I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
