My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
