i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
