someone get that fucking seahorse.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
