After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
