and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
