mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
it's like iHOP with fire
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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