I am in a vortex of obligation.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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