I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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