she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
