Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
