One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
