i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
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