True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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