perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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