I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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