It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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