i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
