i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
