yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
