Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
