I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
