I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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