Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
