Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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