Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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