the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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