So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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