He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
