I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
