You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
