Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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