the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
