I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
