My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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