I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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