Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
