Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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