i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
