hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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