Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
