Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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