I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
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