my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
