Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
