I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
being pregnant is like rehab
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
