I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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