what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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