I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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