Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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