I met the friendliest cop last night
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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