I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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