remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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