me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
