I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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