i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
