I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
