My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize